Talking about subjects that can sometimes be taboo can help raise awareness and also get rid of the wrong ideas we might have. A good thing is that we sat down with Rachel Maine in order to chat around the issues we face in our modern love & sex life.
Rachel is an experienced sex coach, she studied Sex Therapy and Sexuality Education at the university of Michigan and works towards helping people being happier, healthier & safer in their relationships. She is also a coach partnered with Sex & Love Co.
- What is your job?
It’s hard to even call what we do a job. We get to work with people on the most intimate part of their lives, their sexuality. Things they have never shared with a parent, their best friend, their doctor even, are the things we dig right into. As a sex and relationship coach, it’s our job to teach and mentor clients towards creating their most epic sex life and fulfilled relationship.
- What are the main reasons for consulting a sex coach?
There are many reasons people seek out Sex coaching however it mainly comes down to them wanting something more. In some cases, they aren’t even sure what more means but when they open the doors to learning and exploring so many opportunities arise for them. Common challenges people are facing when entering our world is sexual miscommunication with their partner, lack of knowledge in understanding their sexual bodies, troubles with performance and pleasure, and wanting to expand their world of pleasure.
- How to balance female pleasure?
Women are experiencing far less orgasms during sex than men, we know this to be an issue known as the orgasm gap. To balance female pleasure would be to first, understand what pleasure is. Taking the time to explore your body solo (and frequently) is only going to help women better equip themselves with the secrets to their pleasure. Once these things are discovered they’re no longer secrets. Knowing your body allows you to have a voice in the bedroom and advocate for your pleasure. Guide your partner through conversations, sexy talk, subtle directions and even some boldness so they know what is going to work for you. Take the guessing game out of it. We, and only we, are responsible for our pleasure- we have to start taking ownership of it. We deserve it!
- How to act on the desire? (the physical, psychological and relational aspects)
Desire is so fickle, it’s the number one thing women struggle with when it comes to their sex life. In general, most women are experiencing what’s known as responsive desire, which means they respond to different stimuli with desire. This means that oftentimes we need the right touch, right look, right words, etc for the desire to hit. Most men experience spontaneous desire and it’s confusing to them why their female partners aren’t the same? For women to understand their desire by knowing what their turn ons and turn offs are, this changes the game. To then communicate those things to a partner and actually be heard they’ll see the relationship take a 180. Knowing that desire typically comes before arousal is really the key to successful imitation. If you’ve not yet read the book, Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, I highly recommend it!
- How to express your feelings to your partner?
Feelings are something we experience every second of the day, yet in some cases they’re the most difficult things to share with a partner. I suggest when strong feelings come up to really get clear on where that feeling is coming from for you. What button is this pressing for you, what belief or value is this challenging of yours, etc. When we become clear on our feelings we get to name them for what they are. Then, when the time comes to share these with your partner you have a clear understanding and are prepared to talk through them. In some cases we shy away from sharing for fear of rejection, failure, argument, weakness, but it’s important that we feel validated in our feelings and that we don’t keep them from our partners. Avoiding feelings has never worked out well in the long run for anyone.
- Are the problems of women and men similar?
Definitely. However, it’s worth noting that many people start this work to enhance, not necessarily because there’s a problem. When people come to us presenting problems, it’s generally around not feeling fulfilled in their relationship- whether that be with themselves or with a partner. That could be from mismatched desire, lack of communication, not receiving enough pleasure or anything else that just feels off for them.
- Has digital technology changed the relationship between women and sex?
Absolutely! When we aren’t content banned, sex educators, therapists, counselors, coaches, mentors, etc all over the world are sharing their knowledge and expertise. For many this is a start for them to see that 1) they aren’t alone in what they’re experiencing and 2) there’s help. With many courses, programs, masterclasses and webinars out there the digital world gives people an easy way to shop for services. They can follow profiles and hashtags to see the content they’re interested in and find the person that’s the best fit for them. It’s also hugely beneficial for expanding outside of your city/state and getting services that don’t feel too clinical.
- Can digital tools contribute to a more fulfilling sex life?
Absolutely! Again, you don’t know what you don’t know and digital tools are a great way to figure those things out. You get to learn first hand from the people who’ve gone through the work themselves and can share from experience. You also get to choose your deliverance- do you want something more hands off and self paced? Something short term, something long term? Do you want something for just you or your partner too? The options are really endless!
- Any last advice you can give to the women who read us?
You’re here because you’re curious and want to know what more there can be for you. Start taking more ownership of your pleasure and invest in yourself. When you do this work, the most intimate, pleasurable work of your life, you’ll begin to see the effects flow through to other aspects of your life. This work brings you to becoming the fully embodied, powerful woman we are all meant to be.
Getting information is the first step, don’t stop there !
Because we all experience at some point in our life some kind of frustration, misunderstanding, we hope you might have found some kind of answer toward a healthier and happier romantic & sex life.
Rachel Maine is available on Instagram @the_rachel_maine or on Tiktok @the_rachel_maine
And Sex & Love Co. are available on Instagram @sexandlove.co and on their website https://www.sexandlove.co/